It’s been quite an internal roller coaster the past week. As the enemy has sought to tear down my armor, my usually chipper disposition has been overcast with a darker melancholia, far too reminiscent of my former years. My life has changed so dramatically these past five years, now filled with wonder and awe for God after He rescued me from the path of destruction I was on.
Most days it’s easy enough to stand firm in my faith, leaning on Him with all my burdens as they come. But there are some that require more faith, more grace, more rest just to get through. Days where the desperation of an empty bank account, unpaid bills, and an empty fridge shed light on the current reality of our lives. It leaves our minds uneasy, making it so simple to become jaded once again with doubt, anger, and envy. It’s days like today when it doesn’t feel like there is possibly enough hours in the day to work as much as we think we need to just to make ends meat.
But He tells us not to be anxious about anything…
He knows what we need and He’s never broken His promise to us. Yet somehow, we still fall into these old thought patterns, the strongholds of destructive thinking that eat away at our souls. These kinds of strongholds that grow roots over the decades so often go much deeper than we realize.
But fortunately I know better now…
I know the only way out of this is to get back on my knees and surrender. I’ve fallen again into the trap of trying to do everything myself, of desperately trying to be my own savior when deep down I know there is but One. And in Him alone my hope is found.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV)
Beloved, I know it’s hard. I really do. The life I often share online may seem like a cake walk to so many. Because God has indeed blessed me and I’m not afraid to share that fact with the world as my witness for Christ. But let me tell you, these days are seriously hard. The reality of what I go through on a daily basis rarely makes the cut on social media anymore. Because we’ve been struggling for so long, I started feeling like the squeaky wheel when all I want is to be a positive voice in people’s lives.
But I’m hurting…
I still feel like such an outsider from the communities I’ve tried to get involved in over the past year. Sometimes it feels like a broken record, playing on repeat throughout my life. I’m a serious introvert but I also desperately want to belong. Besides, with the amount I’ve been working, I don’t have time to even work on any relationships. That loneliness and the exhaustion from being overworked is draining enough. But despite the incredible benefits I’ve gotten from switching to a healthier lifestyle and using essential oils, I do still struggle with chronic illness. And for the past 5 days, I’ve been having a severe flair up of fibromyalgia after a pretty long stretch without any. My stress levels have been on high as well and the voices of defeat try so hard to weasel their way into my thoughts.
But you see, I’ve been through this before, more times than I can count…
No, I know better. I am STILL HERE, STILL BREATHING, STILL FIGHTING, because I know I am more than a conqueror. I know the lies of defeat all too well. And these experiences that used to lead to me to escape tactics, to drugs and alcohol, video games and mindless nothings, now lead me right back to the cross. And when I surrender it all there, I am reminded that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God or the plans He has for my life.
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:35-39 (ESV)
So here I am again LORD. I’m on my knees, praying, crying, petitioning. And I know you hear me because You are El Roi, the God who see ME! You are El Ma’Uzzi, the God of my strength! YOU are Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides! And I know You are working all these things out for my good.
Blessed are we that call upon Your name! Glory to God!