I’m Not What I Was


I wish you could have seen me, all those years ago. But then again, for your own sake I pray you didn’t see me back then. I was a wreck and I destroyed everything in my path as I roared through my troubled life, leaving brokenness in my wake. Maybe some of you did know me back then. I know many walked away. Just as I walked away from so many myself. But thankfully those days weren’t the end of my story as they so easily could have been. In my 32 years of life, I’ve survived three suicide attempts, drug and alcohol addiction, homelessness, and over a decade of mental illness. But GOD…. oh how He moves.

“On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'” – John 7:37-38

In July 2013, a dam inside me broke and what has followed these past five years has been a river of living water leading me straight to freedom. No, my story continues and it is one of redemption. It’s a story of grace and mercy, completely undeserved. But that’s the beautiful thing about our God. He is wild in His love for us and He is merciful beyond measure. He forgives us our sins as we repent before Him and surrender our own will for His. Thank you God that Your mercies are new each day, because I know I for one need it every single day!

I’m not what I could be, I’m not what I should be, but thank GOD, I’m not what I was.

I heard this saying a couple months ago in a sermon I listened to. And oh how close it hits home. I am such a work in progress, but honestly, I’m really happy about that. Because it means I’m not a lost cause. I see God working on me, in my life every single day, bending and shaping me to be more like Him. And if He can do that in the life of someone like me, if He can completely turn my life around and change me, then He can do it for anyone.

If you’re reading this today, and you’re feeling at the end of your rope with life, if you’re feeling like you have no purpose and no more hope, I beg you to stop believing that lie. No one is beyond redemption when you surrender at the foot of the cross, turn to Christ, and allow Him to start working in your life through the power of the Holy Spirit. And please remember, that although God is sometimes silent, He is never far from you. God’s silence is an opportunity to put your faith into practice. It’s a chance to trust that His promises are true and He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him. Because He is and He always will be. You are more than a conqueror and whatever you’re facing today or even the things you may have been facing all your life, know that you never have and never will go at it alone. God restores and transforms. His power is more than we can comprehend and He walks beside us through the fire and the flood. I’m living proof.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:37-39

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